Graduation Thoughts

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Saturday was my graduation.

I thought maybe after a few days I would know what to say about it, but I find that it’s still hard to find the words. It was a long day. The ceremony itself was 4 hours long and then we had the party. But honestly, everything was perfect.

It was so inspiring to see everyone graduating. At Fairhaven, because the school is small, every student gets to choose a faculty member to present them. You get a little speech about everything you did, sending you off into the world with love and appreciation. I have gone to school with some truly incredible human beings, some of whom I was privileged to know and some I only knew by sight. But for the past two years I have been surrounded by deeply passionate and intelligent people, fighting actively for what they believe in. The world will be better off because of every one of them.

My professor did a linked speech of sorts with all of his graduates, comparing us all to different parts of a forest. For me he said I was the red cedar tree, strong and wise. He said many things, they were all kind and loving. It felt as much like a blessing as anything I have ever received in a church. He spoke to me and about me, knowing who I was and what I care about. He sent me into the world with all the belief I know he has in me, and I felt deeply loved and surrounded by a community that I believe in that believes in me as well.

The party was amazing. I believe 25 people came in total. I know there were a few who couldn’t make it but would have come if they could have. There were so many people I loved and who loved me. I got presents and money and cards, my BFF was amazing and ran around forcing everyone into pictures so I even have pictures of the night like I was hoping.

Also amazing, was my friend who went straight up to my parents to confront them on not coming to my graduation. I knew she was going to and somehow knowing that someone else was taking care of that allowed me to not have to think about it. I largely ignored my parents for the night. Occasionally I had to respond minimally but it was never more than a couple of sentences before I went running off to someone I actually wanted to talk to. They gave me an empty card with a signature that they were still praying for me. I laughed. I felt like a break had happened. I had considered, I had given them their chance and, in the end, they were everything that I always thought they were. All the toxicity, all the nonsense, it was all still there. And I just don’t have to deal with it anymore. Why should I? I am surrounded by people I love, who are supportive and amazing. There is nothing more in life I need (except probably a job on a practical level, but you know).

When my friend asked them why they weren’t at the ceremony, she said my mother’s response was proud, smug even. “That’s cause we weren’t there!”She said that’s when she knew that I was right, that my mother had done this to spite me. She wasn’t remorseful, she was proud of her decision.

I was glad to hear that, honestly. I had told a number of people that they weren’t coming to my graduation, and also that they were coming to the party. Many people seemed skeptical it was for the reasons I thought. Why try to spite me and come to the party? Why come at all? I kept having to go back to that I didn’t really know, I couldn’t explain it, but I knew on a very specific level that this made emotional sense to my mother. You can’t make sense of crazy. But I knew the emotion behind it was spite. So many people questioned me that I began to question myself, so it was validating to hear I was right.

This was an ending note in a lot of ways. The end of my time at Fairhaven, a place I have loved and been loved. But also what feels to me to be a firm cap on things with my parents. For so long things were up in the air. I knew I would invite them to graduations, I used to agonize over what would happen if I got married and how I would proceed. It felt like they were gone and yet things could change. Maybe not them but I could change.

And you know what? I did change. I got stronger, I put down more roots. I collected more and more people who were wonderful and supportive and kind. I studied and learned and grew. I learned about myself and my community. And what I found, when all this was said and done, was that I didn’t want or need them. So if I ever get married, I know it will be a wonderful day… and I know who won’t be there. When I someday graduate from grad school, I know who my guest list will not include.

I am incredibly fortunate, loved and able to love. I am surrounded by everything I ever wanted growing up and I’m so excited about what is coming. That is more than enough.

Scattered Thoughts

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Well, the quarter is in full swing. Last week I spent every day doing something, often many somethings.

I have had sewing class, which is very exciting. I can’t say I have changed my world or anything yet but I did make a hat my very own self this week out of a sweater. So that was an accomplishment. I feel kind-of genuinely excited to try more things, which I think is probably the biggest hurdle.

I have not purchased a guitar but I bought one from the school. I haven’t done a lot with it except wonder how on earth people’s fingers are so flexible! But I’m still determined to keep trying.

It’s a weird thing to have so much going on and not know what to write about. There’s so much all at once but also it’s a lot of little, day to day things. I still feel nervous not knowing what I’m going to do for a job but I’ve started the process of reaching out to people and hoping it’ll pay off.

I discovered a new tool for research, thanks to a teacher, called zotero. It allows you to collect all kinds of research into various folders, make notes and tags on each piece. It can be PDF’s, photos, videos, podcasts, anything at all really. At least for me, it’s ideal. And I think it’s good for collecting for all sorts of reasons, whether you’re in school or not. Zotero.org if you’re interested.

I also have been doing work on the Catholic hospital research. There’s a lot and it’s all depressing. But also fascinating. I definitely want to keep researching on it for basically forever.

I don’t know. Life goes on. Everything feels scattered, but generally good.

Wild Geese

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Title in reference to Mary Oliver’s poem, which I have been thinking about a lot this week.

So first things first — I did not get into grad school. I actually thought this would make my next steps very clear. I would just have to get a job and apply again next year, but it turns out it is not quite that clear. I mean, I will have to do those things but now there are other possibilities for applications and maybe nothing will go quite like I thought. It is very possible that in ten years I will look back and realize that not getting in and having to change and/or uproot my whole life was the best imaginable thing for me, but right now everything is uncertain and confusing and I am so not great with transition.

Do you know what is even worse than transition? Anticipation of transition. Ugh.

The day that I found out I wasn’t accepted, I actually was not really that upset. I think it was a relief to finally just know. And my reaction that day was that I had to talk myself down from buying a sewing machine and a guitar. I did not do either because I did not have money yet. But I will have loans either tomorrow or Friday.

I will not be buying a sewing machine yet. My friend and I are going to be taking a sewing class together for the next three Saturdays and I am figuring that by that point I will have a clearer idea of whether I want to pursue that or whether sewing makes me want to die. But I’d really like to be able to make myself a lot more hair scarves. I only have a couple and they look adorable on me, plus they are easy to make (supposedly). Maybe someday I could advance to more complicated things.

But I am going to buy a guitar. I have always wanted to learn to play guitar. There’s really no reason that I couldn’t, probably. So I am going to try. Maybe this year while I am trying lots of new things I can gain some practical skills. I am excited to try.

Meanwhile this quarter is shaping up to be a whole thing. I have three on campus classes, and a couple of independent studies. Tomorrow I get to go out and gather data. And, because I am trying to figure out my whole life, I also get to meet with so many people.

I am crazy grateful that I have so many people to meet with. I know I am incredibly fortunate to have access to so many resources to discuss my future education and employment with. But also it makes me nervous and I have to work on my informational interviewing skills, which have never been great.

So much happening. Not bad things but a lot of things. Life is a weird and confusing place. And adulting is a strange business.

Update

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So I have not been great at follow-through this quarter. Too much going on, I suppose? I was actually just reminded of blogging because one of my classmates made a blog for our class project and I was super excited. Hooray blogs! Someday I will be good about this on a regular basis. Maybe.

I can’t quite give you all a run-down of my quarter yet, or rather I refuse to. I still have one paper left to write and it is obnoxiously hanging over my head. I am not done until those 1500-2000 words are completed. It had better be today. We’ll see. With any luck you’ll get some updates over the next few weeks. I will try to prioritize.

What I can do is update on my last entry. Obviously it has been more than a week, so the question hangs — am I in grad school? The answer is… no. But not no, I am not but no, I don’t know. I was sent an email on that Friday informing me that it was “too close to call” and that I would have an answer regarding my future by March 24th, if not sooner. They are super sorry.

In case you are wondering if I was annoyed, I can assure you that I was not NOT annoyed. But at this point I have returned to a state of zen pretty much, I think. There’s nothing I can do and the next couple of weeks will pass one way or another. Currently my only wish is that I will not be denied this coming weekend, which I feel like would sort-of put a damper on my whole birthday party thing. I am at least grateful that it’s supposed to happen during my spring break so that I can adapt to whatever the decision is before I come back.

So that is my current update. I promise I will talk about more things over the next couple of weeks. Perhaps I will do an entry for each of my classes. We will see!

This Week!

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This is the week. At least, I am relatively positive it is the week. The grad school I have applied to says that they will be letting those of us early applying people (like me, that would be me) know by February 28th. And that is definitely this week.

I don’t even really know what I am waiting for. The website says that they may contact you “via email or postal mail” and why on earth would they choose one over the other? Do they mail out rejections? Do they mail out acceptance letters? Do they only use email for international students? I feel like it would have been great if they had been a bit more clear, but here we are.

I know that everything will be fine, no matter what the answer is, but there is no question that it will be a blow if they deny me. Right now I feel like I am on a good track. I am heading towards something and my general vision of that thing is getting clearer and I will feel derailed if I don’t get to progress straight into grad school.

Who knows what could happen! I will have to find a job either way (although I will be looking for a part time one if I get into grad school).  Anyway. The official countdown has started, I guess. I am feeling nervous. So I thought I would post about it.

Poetry

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So for my Writing Nature class last week we had to turn in at least three poems with some kind of connected theme. We have a “place” that we are choosing to focus on for the quarter, spending as much time there as we can. I have been focusing on a graveyard in my area, which has been really great in a number of areas. But I think my favorite part so far has been writing poems again.

I used to write poems all the time. They were terrible, pretty much universally but I have five books of them. In my 20’s I wrote them occasionally and they weren’t the worst but I’ve not done great at sticking with it. But I’ve written a few for this project and at least one of them I really like and the other couple are maybe okay. So I’m gonna share them because it’s my blog and that’s what I get to do.

Abandoned Cemeteries

The first time I saw the desert my mother told me it was ugly
but I thought
God must be like this
stark and wide, full of clean lines,
his edges unblurred by peat moss.
Maybe that’s why cemeteries never make me think of heaven.

February at the Graveyard

A riot of reds, blues, purples
white, and pink –
but most often red.
Does red seem most alive?

Will pink fade in the sun?
Will silver tinsel hurt the birds?

How does one choose
the perfect plastic heart
to grieve with?

Process

It feels like a waste
all that process,
mechanics.
Who are your parents?
Did your mother breastfeed?
Are you gay
or straight
or do you check a different
box?
How much money did your father make?
What was your first traumatic experience?
When did you first fall in love?

All of that
and thousands more
factors,
nature vs. nurture
as they say.
All to end up with
“Always in our hearts.”

Pugs and Nonsense

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Today I got to pet a four month old pug puppy named Bowser. It was the best two minutes of my year so far. Which is not to say that my year has been bad — it has not been. I have had several problems this year that have been ridiculous problems to complain about.

Things like that I am too interested in all of my school topics. I’ve actually never had a quarter like this before? I mean, generally I start at least the majority of my classes hoping I will like them obviously but that rarely works out for me 100%. This quarter I actually started out fairly nervous because I had statistics which… I don’t know if you know this, but things that involve numbers are not my favorite thing.

I will say that as far as statistics goes, I am not without concerns. Although I know it will be fine, it is definitely a lot of work and I have already hit a point where I seem to have done something wrong with the math. Grumble. This concerns me as we are only two weeks in. But my teacher is really great, and I feel confident I can go to her if necessary. It’s actually weirdly frustrating because I feel like it is all kind-of right on the edge for me? Like it all almost makes sense but it has not come quite into focus yet? It’s hard though. My brain is not used to thinking that way. All of that said, it is also super interesting and feels very useful and if I am able to get it to come all into focus, I will feel extremely accomplished.

My other classes are all also very interesting, including all of the reading for them (at least now that I’m done with Thoreau which, fuck that dude). AND my research assistant ISP is setting up to be so fascinating. I get to help out in minor ways on a study to do with social anxiety and also one to do with micro-aggressions against Asian Americans… IT IS ALL SO INTERESTING.

Which again. Is such a stupid complaint. It just is making it like harder to prioritize than usual? I am so interested in everything that I want to spend more time on everything than I actually have. I also end up with so much homework and spending so much time with it all that I am doing homework almost every day of the week. Basically it is a lot to juggle and I am still trying to work on my time management. But you know. I also know that I’m very lucky.

My other ridiculous problem is that my birthday is coming up and I have too many friends and no idea where to take them. I am not complaining about my number of friends. I am so ridiculously grateful for all of the wonderful people in my life, seriously. But also I think that if everyone I would like to see were able to come to my party (which I’m going to end up having late because my birthday is obnoxiously the week before school ends so… you know, I’ll just wait a week and have a blow-out then), it will be like 20 to 25 people. That is a lot of people. I don’t want to take them to a restaurant because then everyone gets kind of stuck at their place at the table and I don’t get to see everyone. And none of my friends have big enough houses to support that. Sigh. So I’m hoping I will get a brilliant idea in the next month or so.

So, that is my update. Life is good. And did I mention the pug? Because seriously. The pug. #pugby40

A New Quarter Begins!

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After almost 4 months of freedom, tomorrow is my first day back in school. The weather is cooling, it’s getting dark earlier. I have had, quite honestly, the best summer of my entire life. I am happy and feeling positive, if a bit nervous, about the upcoming year.

However, if you read my blog at all you know how much I love to reflect on endings and beginnings. It is basically one of my favorite past-times. So I’ll do this in two parts.

Part 1: How My Summer Went

As previously mentioned, this was a truly amazing summer. I spent the first almost full month doing very little but laying on a couch watching shows and movies. It was a lot of down time but it was pretty desperately needed. The last quarter burned me out quite a lot and I think that I really needed the space to feel like myself again. Also, I got to watch so many shows and movies!

I got to spend so much time with people this summer. I practically lived with David and the Superhero again. They very graciously let me stay at their home… pretty much more often than not, and it was a really wonderful time for me. I have felt so loved and comfortable this summer and it is hard for me to believe it has been over two years since that relationship started. What a crazy thing. Also, I think it gets better all the time, which seems even crazier.

There’s a line in one of the early Anne of Green Gables books where she describes a summer as being perfect, and the days as “slipping by like warm pearl beads off a necklace.” I thought of that phrase often this summer. I am sure I will probably have other excellent summers but I am still very grateful for this one. I got to spend so much time with so many people I love (and meet a few new ones), I got to do fun things and watch so many things. I’ve been so very happy, which has been a strange feeling.

There are things I did not get done. Initially I had planned on learning to play the guitar. I never picked it up from my teacher, that just never worked out. But I’m not writing off the idea — it just didn’t happen this summer and that’s okay. I also had planned to walk more and do more in shape sort of things. But it was hot and I was tired and I really did not do that. I am okay with that as well. The other major thing I had planned to do was to spend the last couple of weeks working on my entrance essay for grad school. I really wish I had done that, but I got pretty overwhelmed when I looked at it and time just got away from me. It is what it is. Doing it during the school year isn’t ideal, but I’ll manage.

There were a lot of things I did do, however. Later in the summer I decided I wanted to cook pork and David and I did a lot of cooking together. That was exciting. Even though, if I’m honest, I often just drank and watched him do a lot of cooking. I think probably I could replicate it? It was fun anyway.

I am currently over 300 movies for the year. That wasn’t my initial goal (actually that had originally been my goal for the entire year) but when I realized how much I was getting through over the summer, I figured I would try to make sure I hit at least 300 by the end of summer, in the hopes that I could be to at least 365 by the end of the year. I am currently at 322, so I don’t think it’ll be a problem. A few of the best I’ve seen this year so far have included Cinema Paradiso, Departures, After Tiller, Bernie, and It Follows.

I also read a lot! I was pretty pleased about that. My goal for the year was 50 books and I am at 48. I read almost nothing during the quarter that isn’t for school but I should be able to make up 2, so that seems like time well spent. And I read some really excellent things. I particularly recommend Empress Dowager Cixi by Jung Chang, Missoula by Jon Krakauer, and Almost Perfect by Brian Katcher. I particularly do not recommend Grey by E.L. James… but probably you could have guessed that.

It’s been a very good summer. I could talk about other things but I think we’ll stick with that for now.

Part 2: Plans for Fall

So while I am not exactly chomping at the bit to get back into school, I will say that I am looking forward to my life being organized again. This has been such a wonderful few months but I feel like I have rarely been anywhere for more than a few days at a time and it has all felt very on the go. That has been good for me but I’m ready to have a set schedule again and I’m excited to get to plan it. This quarter a schedule will be incredibly important because of my 16 credits, 6 of them are Independent Study, so I will really need to be on the ball.

I have one class each day Monday through Thursday. They all start at either 12 or 1, but I think my plan will be to get to the school between 10 and 10:30 each day and do some work there. I had a spot in the lounge where I was fairly comfortable last quarter. I rarely tried to get actual school done there, but I’m going to give it a shot and see if that works. If not, I’ll have to try to find a new place. I’m still going to take Thursday afternoon/evening and Friday off because I definitely need time for my brain.

Aside from school, or sometimes in conjunction with, I have a few other plans.

One of the things I have been thinking about a lot is keeping up with the news. Right now I am actively playing with ways to do that, including a few websites apps, and an email service called Skimm’d. I am going to work on remaining more informed. Which is hard, but the best one can do is try.

A new friend has been very encouraging about me maybe trying out for some things or joining up with some things at the school this year. Which I kept thinking I would do last year and then felt too busy but perhaps I should just make the time? After all, this is probably the only chance I will get for some of these things. I’m going to try to be more open to activities is I guess what I’m saying.

I will use the cookbook that David made for me, even though he doesn’t believe me. When I have loans again I’m going to start working through it and discovering new things. I will probably never like to cook (especially not alone) but I do really like to eat food so maybe I can just grit my teeth and find things I like.

I think those are most of my big plans! Not as many as I had for the summer, since obviously my main focus will be on school. I’m also pondering study nooks and how you make such a thing, I’m trying to figure out how to make a system that ensures I’ll waste less food, I’m planning out a whole new year of television… but you know. For the most part, that’s what I’m focusing on right now.

We will see what I have to say about all of it come December.

Surviving the Quarter and Summer Plans

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Well, you may have noticed that I have been AWOL the last couple of weeks. I meant to be a much better person and at least write a note as to what was up, but that seemed like a lot to ask really. Also, it’s a super uninteresting story. Basically my crazy long quarter ramped up into a crazy finals time and my whole life was absolutely nothing but homework and I thought maybe I would never survive.

But surprise! I did survive. And finally here I am. It is summer and I have several months ahead of me to relax. I am SO excited about this.

While there are probably more compelling things I could be writing about (and who knows, maybe I’ll get to some of them over the summer), I decided I would start out by writing about reflecting over the quarter and my many not terribly exciting summer plans. Because who does not want to be excited with me?

As far as this quarter goes, I will say that it did not go exactly as I was hoping in many ways. I felt behind the entire quarter, I was frequently depressed and overwhelmed and not engaged with my work. It was most definitely the worst quarter I’ve had. Still. All that said.

I did still get all of my homework done and turned in. So far I have gotten three of my four evaluations done and they have all been quite positive. Which I pretty much expected, but I still am pleased that it’s true. I also got at least a lot of my self-imposed homework done, which I feel deserves to be at least noted. I kept up with this blog at least relatively faithfully and did a lot of recaps and restarted me and my friend’s Buffy blog. Which I have also neglected for the past two weeks or so, but it’s cool. I’ll be back on that tonight as well.

I dropped a class, which sounds like maybe not something to be proud of but I actually think it is. I wish I had listened to David and dropped it earlier but still, I was able to recognize my limitations and what was good and useful for me, and not just stubbornly hold onto something because it would feel like failure if I quit. Dropping that class was an excellent idea and I’m sure glad I did.

I did not make any attempt to keep up on my 10,000 steps this quarter. It was just too much and I couldn’t do it. But that’s okay. I am not feeling guilt about it, I knew it was all too overwhelming. For this summer I’m going to try to do better.

Some of the things I feel like I did do well were a lot less tangible? I feel like I was overall less crazy than I would have expected considering how overwhelmed and unhappy I was. I feel like I problem-solved well on several occasions. I feel like I was, for the most part, very aware of myself and where I was at even if it wasn’t always the best place. That doesn’t sound like a lot but I think for me it’s actually a lot of progress and I’m feeling good about that direction.

Oh, also I started therapy again, although things are still a little up in the air about how I feel about that? Only had two sessions, possibly more on that later.

Anyway. So those are a few random thoughts on the quarter. As far as summer plans… In what is a surprise to absolutely no one, I am going to be watching a lot of things. Honestly, I have so many things that it is kind-of overwhelming. I would really like to get through the original Linda Hamilton/Ron Perlman Beauty and the Beast show before it expires off of Netflix on July 1. So that’s quite a time investment at two and a half seasons. I think I have to watch about 3 episodes a day? I am also watching Aquarius with my brother and Wayward Pines. Both of them are pretty good so far, although I cannot even express how irritated I am at Matt Dillon’s character in Wayward Pines. Probably more on that later.

I will be focusing much more on my blogs, of course. I’ll be sticking with 3 entries a week on this one, and possibly two a week on the Buffy blog? We’ll see. Also recaps, although you folks only see one a week of those anyway so that won’t matter to you. I am also going to try to be writing more generally and am going to be attempting to set aside some time each day just for writing.

In similar veins there is reading. Up until this quarter I had done pretty well at reading things during school but man, I read one book the entire quarter and that was it. So I am excited to be reading things again. Right now I am reading Empress Dowager Cixi: The Concubine Who Launched Modern China by Jung Chan and it is extremely fascinating. I love reading about amazing women and she most certainly fits the bill. Super excited to get through a ton of books this summer. That is another place where I have so many choices it gets a little overwhelming so possibly I will need to develop a system.

I plan to write my application essay for grad school sometime this summer. Probably not until later summer but I figure now is the time to do it, since I really will have a harder time if I am working on it at the same time as everything else.

I am going to try to learn to play guitar. Hopefully anyway. I still haven’t heard back from my teacher about picking the guitar up from the school but with any luck I’ll get to do that, which I am super excited about because I have always wanted to be able to play guitar and I figure now is a good time to try and learn.

I have a few other bits and bobs floating around my head but those are some of the biggest. I will maybe do a post at the end of the summer about the best things I read and watched and did. In the meantime I imagine I will ramble about all of the usual things.

It’s good to be back!

Learning and Growing Up

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I am stubborn about very strange things sometimes. I get fixated on an idea and then I really struggle to let it go. It’s not my best trait. I am pretty sure it is connected to my difficulty with life transitions, because of how I connect to an idea of how my life is and then I struggle to let it go and adjust to a new thing. Once I adjust, it is okay but man, while I am holding on to that initial idea, things can feel pretty bleak for a bit.

But you know what? I think I’m improving.

I took a lot of classes this quarter. I had 16 credits, which is not at all the maximum but is certainly a decent amount, and I have spent the last three weeks feeling frazzled and unhappy. I have been trying to get my homework done only on the weekends and failing. I have been feeling overwhelmed by everything. I expected it to just be like this the first week (I always feel like that in the first week) and when it continued straight into my third week, I despaired and thought maybe that was it. Maybe my entire quarter would be this way. Sometimes I do that. It’s a little hysterical, I know. And it’s funny for someone who is often so resistant to change. But at some point, if things don’t go the way I want them to, I just throw myself onto the floor, splay out my arms and announce to the world that this is my new life.

Tina Belcher

Literally my life

It’s not the best. I mean, it’s not super fun for anyone around me and it’s also not fun for me. I feel super whiny and I don’t like it but I also don’t know what to do. After all. How am I going to continue to cope with this terrible life? Woe.

I can laugh about it (and I try to, frequently) but it’s also very frustrating. After my first week of my 1 credit grammar class, I was banging my head into a wall. This was never going to work. I cannot remember specifics of grammar. I am not a person who remembers noun phrases. The entire textbook read like gibberish to me, which is not a thing I am used to. David cautiously suggested that perhaps I should drop the class but I quickly gave him all of the reasons that was CLEARLY IMPOSSIBLE. I have to graduate by next Spring, which means I must take at least 16 credits every quarter. I love Stan, my teacher, and I learned so much in the last class and surely I would learn things in this class too. This is important! I wanted to learn to write better! I frantically threw words at him and he backed away slowly.

But then last week I was in class talking to a friend and he was talking about dropping a different class and I found myself saying, “I’m thinking about dropping Stan’s class.” I  knew as soon as I said it out loud that I was going to. That’s how I work. And you know. That is in fact what happened.

I have a W on my transcript now. I have decided that I’m not going to worry about it. I will take it as a reminder that I should listen to my friends even when in the throes of panic. I will have to take 17 credits one of the quarters next year. That’s okay. I’m planning on taking a number of independent study plans. I can manage 17 credits.

And then there was yesterday. Yesterday I woke up, which is a good start. It was 9am but I had slept remarkably well (if not that long). I realized I should reread my article for class that day. And that that was all right. I realized I would no longer have class on Monday mornings. That in fact, I could spend every Monday and Wednesday morning relaxing and rereading my assignments for the day. I read my article and then I read some Julia Child, which made me feel absolutely amazing about my life.

Julia Child

If you ever just need to feel indescribably BETTER about life? Pick this up.

It was somewhere in there that something clicked. Everything is going to be okay. I am going to do homework during the week, like most people. I will manage my time differently. Just because I have always done it entirely on weekends in previous quarters does not mean that will work now. I have to learn to adjust to the shifts around me.

Being a student is interesting and has been challenging for me in a lot of ways. I have worked jobs with very steady schedules for a long time. I am used to putting myself on a schedule and staying with it. I’m used to being able to go home and be home and not be taking work home with me. But as a student, you can only do that for 10 weeks before you have to change it all up again. And that’s good. Learning to adapt to my life as it comes without letting it run me over is probably the most important lesson I could possibly learn. Not to mention learning where to build my own space, how to make sure I have my own time and what I need in the midst of chaos.

So you know. Everything is going to be okay. I will read Julia Child, I will learn how to write scientifically, how to read studies, the baby beginnings of statistics. On Tuesday we are going to learn skills on Excel. My brother is going to be in town this weekend and I will send him off on his amazing adventure across America with all of the support and love I have because I am honestly super proud of him.

Life is fucking good. And I feel like the best part is often when I realize it can get better.