Dear Baby Me: May 22 & 23, 1997

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Thursday 8:18pm
Dear Steve,
I hate Zach’s parents! They’ve now stopped us from talking to each other. Doesn’t that suck? I hate ‘em, I hate ‘em, I hate ‘em! Maybe they’ll ease up sometime after his b-day. I just got off the phone with Zach. He’s going to write. I can’t decide whether or not it’s a comfort that he cried for an hour when his parents told him. I think it is. It’s very sweet and it satisfys (I know that isn’t spelled right) some overdramatic urge. I know I’m overdramatic. I like being overdramatic. It makes life interesting. I’ve gotta go!
Ciao! 9:53pm

Friday 9:42am
Dear Steve,
Yesterday was officially the worst day of my life! Not only did I find out that I couldn’t talk to Zach anymore but I also found out that we’re not going to Montana! Doesn’t that SUCK?! Something’s wrong with the Mazda and dad doesn’t trust the wagon! It’s not fair! The only good part about it is that dad’s probably going to take me to The Lost World in theaters! Now that’s cool! However I would gladly never go to a movie again if I thought it would make Zach’s parents change their minds! I’ve gotta go!
Ciao!
Love Meg

 

Dear Baby Me,

It is truly adorable that you just straight up admitted to enjoying being over-dramatic. I mean, I know that was true, and I feel like I remember knowing that was true even then, but it wasn’t something you generally admitted to. If I could tell you something now, I suppose it would be that drama does not actually make life more interesting, not that it would matter.

It does suck that Zach’s parents are against you for whatever reason, and it does suck that you didn’t go to Montana. As I recall, that was the only major trip that was ever planned for just you and your dad and it never happened. I’m sorry that didn’t happen for you, I know it would have meant a lot.

Also, as much as you are in love with Zach in this moment, let me assure you that you would not gladly give up all future theater trips for him. You probably wouldn’t even give them up for the next 6 months. But, you know. It sounds nice.

Much love, Me

 

 

Dear Baby Me: May 20, 1997

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Teusday 6:27pm
Dear Steve,
I hate my mom! She’s unreasonable, she never lets me do anything, and she’s a BITCH! First off Ashley asked if I could spend the night. Her mom said yes but my mom said you’ve got you’re work to do tomorrow, you’ve got school to do tomorrow ect., ect., ect. But you know what I really hate? What I hate is the way she’s alway’s dissing my friends. Ashley’s a liar, a manipulator, and needs help, Kim’s to bossy, gets on her nerves, and to loud. Luckily my  mom doesn’t know Kris very well yet, but I’m sure she’ll come up with something. Now as for Ashley all that may be true but I don’t believe my mom has any business poisening my mind against my friends. Kim just happens to be a leader, if she gets on my moms nerves that’s her problem. As for being to loud if mom lived in the Lewis’s house I’ll bet she’d be loud too (not that she isn’t already). I feel better having said all that. Now, geuss what?! I’m going to Montana with dad to visit the Creightons this weekend! Isn’t that great?! We’re going to Nancy’s house Friday night and staying over night and on Saturday we’re going to Montana! I’m going to have a whole weekend with boys, without mom! We’re coming home Tuesday. I can hardly wait! Gotta go!
Love Meg
P.S. Mom is still a Fuckin Bitch!

Dear Baby Me,

I wish you could ever stay angry through a whole entry. Even for a paragraph it is hard for you and that makes me sad. You have every right to be angry at your mother. Even though I think that she is worried about you, even though she is not entirely wrong about Kim or Ashley or at least some of your other friends, it’s not okay for her to treat you like that. You’re not wrong to want to stand up for your friends.

Your feelings are valid, it’s okay to feel them. Someday you will have much better friends, and better family too. You’ll have so many days with boys without mom.

Much love, Me

 

Dear Baby Me: May 15 & 16, 1997

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Thursday 4:48pm
Dear Steve,
Oh! What a beautiful blank book! Isn’t it fascinating to imagine what I will write in it? We’re going to Zach’s game tonight and tommorrow we have our last computer class. I don’t know how we’re going to get together after that.
You know what really sucks? Zach’s dad said Zach couldn’t come to the Mariner game! Doesn’t that suck?
I’ve gotta go!
Ciao! 4:55pm
Love Meg

Friday 9:43am
Dear Steve,
Got to Zach’s game an hour late. The first words he said to me were “Where were you”? It wasn’t my fault! Mom wouldn’t get going! His dad’s giving me a ride to class and my mom’s taking Zach home. You know what he said? After the game he said something about how bad he’d done and I’m like you didn’t do that bad. He says you didn’t see the whole game. I’m like alright you didn’t do bad in the last two innings. He says yeah cause you showed up. That’s sweet but it can’t be true since he’s been doing pretty good when I don’t come to his games. Gotta go!
Ciao!
Love Meg

Dear Baby Me,

It’s a good thing Zach played baseball, since that is the only sport you understand at all (still, to this day really). Someday you will have a boyfriend who asks you to come to his soccer game and you won’t have a clue what’s going on. That said, it is bizarre that you seem to be questioning that it could be possible that maybe he did better because you showed up? Like probably not. Also, did they win or lose? No matter, apparently.

Of course it doesn’t matter. I know it is exciting in ways you never even imagined to have this guy who is excited to see you, to feel important and like someone is interested in you. This is the drug you won’t get tired of, the thing it’s going to take you years to work through. It does suck Zach can’t come to the game. But hang in there, try to enjoy this part of things.

All the love,
Me

Dear Baby Me: May 12, 1997

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Dear Steve,

I’ve only got one more page and then this book is done! Computer class is almost over. I don’t know what me and Zach are going to do about getting together after that. We’ll have to think of something. It has been a gorgeous weekend and so far good weather is continuing. I’m listening to Freak by Silver Chair on the End. It’s a cool song. I have to clean my room. It’s stupid! Mom says they’ll go to Camano Island and leave me home to work!

 

Dear Baby Me,

I do not think I have thought about Silver Chair even once in the last probably decade? I have not missed them. But it’s nice to see these weird little inserts of your media.

It is stupid, if unavoidable, that you have to clean your room. Someday I promise you will be a grown-up and there will be no one to make you clean your room. Of course… then you will just do it because you want to, but that’s a lot more satisfying.

As for Zach, let’s not worry about that now. We’ll get to it later.

Much love, Me

Dear Baby Me: May 10, 1997

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 Dear Steve,

9:35pm

Zach called me last night from his friends house. Kaleb (his friend) was on the other line and the three of us talked for half an hour. Then Zach, Kaleb, and Jordan came over this morning and we talked for over an hour. As for my opinions on them Kaleb’s really ugly but really nice and fun to tease. He reminds me alot of Kermit (the camp counseler not the frog) and so I started calling him that. Jordan is kind-of cute, but he seems to be pretty shy. Zach of course is cute, sweet, nice, fun to tease – most of the time, and anything else you can think of. Kaleb’s seventeen so that’s why they could drive to my house. I like Kaleb alot. He’s really pretty nice. And you believe how much they talk alike (use the same expressions like “fool” etc) and sound alike on the phone (Zach’s voice is a little deeper). Zach’s different when he’s around his friends. More outgoing. I kind-of like him better that way. I “borrowed” Zach’s sunglasses till Wedesday. They’re cool! I don’t think I look good in them but Kaleb and Kris both say I do so I wear them anyway. Plus they’re Zach’s which makes them worth wearing. Hopefully Zach will call me Monday or Tuesday. I miss him already. Sort-of. That sounds really dumb, doesn’t it? Don’t answer that. Don’t you dare answer. Ciao!

Love Meg

Dear Baby Me,

You don’t know it yet but a pretty big thing has just happened. That boy who was not Zach but was nice to you, the one who you thought was “ugly”? You’re not going to think he’s ugly in a year or so. It would be fair to say that Kaleb is going to change your entire life. But no spoilers, we’ll get to it when we do. It is worth noting however that he caught your attention a little, even here, even in the middle of Zach fever.

It does not sound dumb that you miss Zach. It is totally okay that you have feelings for a guy you like and that you want to see him. That is super normal. You don’t have to feel silly or ridiculous about that, you don’t have to make things sound dumb to make them be okay. This is all okay.

Much love,

Me

Dear Baby Me: April 28 & 29, 1997

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Dear Steve,
3:15pm
I want Zach to call! He has to call by tommorrow to talk about carpooling. Ring, phone, ring!
Ciao!
Love Meg

Dear Steve,
9:08am
Did I ever tell you I bought Independance Day? Of course I didn’t. I bought Independance Day! Isn’t that cool? Of course it is! I can hardly wait to watch it! Zach has to call today, he just has to! We have to talk about carpooling. If he doesn’t call, I’m gonna hafta call him. Oh, what a shame! I’ll write later – I think.
11:07am
Mom called Carmen and we’re going to Camano Island today. I’m glad of that because it means we could probably give Zach a ride both ways. Bye!
Love Meg

 

Dear Baby Me,

You are a huge nerd. I do not know what else to say to you right now.

Love, Me

Dear Baby Me: April 26, 1997

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Dear Steve,
9:30am
I’ve been writing alot, havn’t I? You can blame or thank Zach for that, your choice. I’m gonna need a new book soon. It’s not fair! I want Zach to call! We’re on our way to the boys first baseball game.

11:28am
The boys lost. 13 to 20. It was a good game though. I want to talk to Zach! After lunch I’ve gotta call Kim. We’re gonna see if we can get together. I hope we can. Then I’ll have someone to talk to. Gotta go!
Love Meg

Dear Baby Me,

You will always, at least up until this point, write much more enthusiastically when there is a boy (or person in general, not always boy) to write about. I can’t say more frequently, since I now write every day, but certainly with a lot of enthusiasm.

As usual, I am fascinated by the ways you hop from topic to topic with nothing in between them. Writing more! Zach! New book soon! Zach! Baseball game! Kim! I assume that what you are saying is not fair is things to do with Zach and not that you need a new book soon? But with the exciting shifts in conversation, it is hard to be totally sure.

Love, Me

Dear Baby Me: April 25, 1997

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Dear Steve,
8:45am
I can hardly wait till this afternoon! To see Zach I mean. Other than that we’re going to the Padilla Bay mud flats. Jim said if we don’t have rubber boots he’ll find us some. Oh boy! Not! Oh well. I decided I might need them when Zach told once when he was at the Bay, he stepped on a soft spot and went in up to his waist! He said it was pretty scary. Oh! I forgot to tell you what he said the other day when we were walking I thought it was sweet! I was telling him how the names D.J. and Steve (sorry about that but the one across the street from Ashley was very wierd) were cursed. He said “I’m lucky. My name is Zach.” I said “I know, but if your name was Steve, well you’d be cursed and I wouldn’t be able to hang out with you.” He said “If my name was Steve and you didn’t like it, I’d change it.” Isn’t that so sweet? I’m the only one who thinks so however. I’ve told several people. They just give me this wierd look. You know I don’t think I ever told you about Kristin D. Me and Kim used to think she was such a snob. Come to find out that she lives down District Line Rd., is actually pretty sweet. Kim says it was probably just the friend she was hanging out with. Her older brother is a little bit cute. His name is Jeff. I don’t know whether it’s my imagination or what, but it seems to me that every time I’m around he doesn’t take his eyes off me. He’s either 15 or 16, I’m not sure which, but he’s a typical one, I know that. Ego problem and all. I’ve never officially met him – he just acts like a typical 15 or 16 year old. I do not, I reapet (is that spelled right?) do not want to go to Padilla Bay today. It’s raining. Yuck! Zach wone his game last night. 12 to 1! Isn’t that pitiful? They were playing Anacortes and I guess their team is pretty bad. I’ll write later when I get back.
Ciao!
Love Meg
P.S. Zach’s coming at 11:20!

Dear Steve,
8:03pm
Well Zach got here about 11:40. We went to Thrifty and got some “munchies” in Zach’s words. He insisted on paying for everything. That was fine with me. We went to ESP and me and Zach ended up the only two people besides Jim (the driver) in our car. That was pretty cool. When we got to Padilla Bay, Mary got me these waders, which came up to my hips. When we got a ways out in the mud I got stuck up to my knees. Mary had to come dig me out. In the process I fell down on my butt twice and managed to get thouroghly (I know that isn’t spelled right) muddy. Mary kept thinking I was scared and she kept saying things like “It’s O.K. Meg” and so forth. It was annoying cause I wasn’t scared – just embarassed. I looked like I’d wet my pants! I just know Jon will never let me forget it. I will probably end up having to hurt him. I think Zach’s the only one who didn’t tease me except for Mary and she’s the teacher. He’s so sweet! I geuss I’ve mentioned that before. Later on the beach Jon asked Zach if we were going out! Zach’s like “no, not exactly” and Jon’s like “Well you sure act like it.” It doesn’t bother me and it didn’t seem to bother Zach either. Actually, truth be told we are going out – unoficially that is. I mean he hasn’t asked me but I mean we just act like we are. So I geuss Jon’s right – much as it pains me to admit it. Jon’s a pain in the ass. Forget I said that last part. Zach called me tonight and he should call me again anytime. Hopefully anyhow.
10:35pm
I’ve gotta go to bed like really soon so I’ve gotta write fast. Zach called and we talked for another half-hour. It’s fun talking to Zach. He’s cool. I’ve gotta go to bed now.
Ciao!
Love Meg
P.S. It’s not fair! Zach’s grandma’s gonna be at his house the whole weekend so he can’t call me till Monday or Tuesday! WAAA!

Dear Baby Me,

I would like to point out that you used Zach’s name 16 times in that journal entry. Although this is definitely the longest entry we have ever seen from you, that still seems like a lot.

I would like to say that obviously he is only 15 years old and his game needs a little work, but that was a fairly sweet compliment in the moment and it makes sense that you were so swoony about it. Now you would roll your eyes and die but for 15 it is not so bad.

I actually have a pretty clear memory of the day you got stuck in the mud, although I don’t remember being embarrassed really. I do remember being annoyed that she kept treating me like I was frightened, when it actually never even occurred to me that there was anything to be frightened of. What I most clearly remember is that I could not stop laughing. Partly because the situation was so profoundly ridiculous, I’m sure, but also because I laugh when I’m nervous.

I would also like to tell you that you don’t actually know what a typical 15 or 16 year old boy acts like. This confidence you have is very unnerving to read, I cannot make heads nor tails of it. Do you really assume that a 13 year old girl is of tremendous interest to all 16 year old boys? I think you do, but what does that say about the world around you? Why doesn’t that disturb you more? I guess you’ll grow into that later. Right now I’m not sure what else to say about it except I wish you understood that your perception of all of these things is pretty severely flawed.

Finally I would like to say that although your future instincts will eventually be one of your better qualities, let’s be clear — it is not generally a great idea to assume that you are going out with a person because you “act like it.” I would recommend some sort of communication along those lines. But since right now all that means is phone calls and him buying you candy, I suppose there’s no great harm done.

Love, Me

Dear Baby Me: April 24, 1997

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Dear Steve,
This SUCKS!!! For some unexplained reason, Zach’s dad thinks me and Zach are “doing stuff” and so he won’t let Zach invite me to his games anymore or call me alot or talk to me very long when he does call me. Isn’t that stupid? I think it really sucks! He called and said that he hoped I wouldn’t hate him because of it. I’m like, yeah right, like I’m going to hate you for something your parents did? But it sounded pretty sweet the way he said it. He is so sweet! He say’s his parents will probably ease up after he turns 15. That’s in 34 days. May 28th. See, his parents said he could have a girlfriend when he turned 15 and that he could date when he was 16. So I’ve got a little over a month to wait. Mom said that the next half-price Mariner game he could probably come with us. That would be awesome! I don’t know if his dad would let him but if he did it would be cool! His parents weren’t home when he called so we talked for almost an hour until his mom got home. Then he had to hang up. He should call again because he has to tell me what we’re doing for carpooling tommorrow. It’s fun to carpool with Zach. Today his dad tried to seperate us by telling us the back seat was a mess so only one of us could sit back there. But Zach said that he didn’t want to sit up front and so he threw everything in the back and sat with me. I don’t think his dad was to happy but I was.
9:30pm   Zach called. We (or in other words me and my mom) are taking him both ways tommorrow. He had his best friend Jordan on the other line and since his phone is screwy we could all talk to each other at once, but I didn’t realize it until Zach said “you better say ‘hi Jordan” and I’m like “huh?” Then I heard this other voice say “hi Jordan.” So I got my first phone introduction. It was very interesting. Jordan sounded pretty nice. Hard to tell when all you do is say “hi” on the phone. I assume he’s Zach’s age – 14 or 15. I’ve gotta go! Heart ya!
Love Meg

 

Dear Baby Me,

I am genuinely baffled at what “stuff” Zach’s dad thought you were doing. Like… I suspect at the time you did not even have a good idea of what he might have been imagining and even now I can’t remember a single time when you were alone together or had any opportunity to… do anything. It’s very weird. And paranoid. And pretty unfair. And it does in fact, suck.

I hate the be the person who points it out but probably Jordan just had… two phones? Did you not know what an extension was? I am pretty sure you did.

Anyway, so many exciting new things happening! First phone calls from boys, first phone introductions, it’s a brave new world. This could explain why your entries are getting noticeably longer.

Love, Me

Dear Baby Me: April 19, 1997

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Dear Steve,
You wouldn’t believe all the things that have happened since I last wrote. I e-mailed Zach at class Wedesday and asked him if he went down Hwy. 20 on his way to class and he said yes. So then I just casually mentioned that we should carpool. I just assumed that his mom would call my mom and they talk. But on Thursday night he called me. He said he needed a ride home from field trip on Friday. He is soo sweet. We got put on different teams and so he offered anyone who would trade so we’d be on the same team a quarter. But no-one would trade. But afterwards we hung out together. It was fun. On the ride to his house he invited me to his baseball game. I’m going on Tuesday. He’s taking me home from computer class on Thursday and we might be picking him up in the morning. Also when we got to his house we found out he hadn’t really needed a ride home. His mom was home. He’d wanted to ride with me. Isn’t that great?! What’s not great is that mom won’t let me call him. She says it gives him the wrong idea or something. I mean why? I want him to know I like him. I have his number memorized (he put mine in permanent marker on his arm) 856-6180. Also, he’s almost 15. His birthday’s May 28th. What I hate however is how he’s always putting himself down. He’s always saying things like “I’m stupid” or “that must be what made me braindead.” I hate that. He’s not stupid. And definetly not braindead. Now all I have to do is make him believe that. Well, I could go on and on about Zach, but I better not. Bye!
Love Meg

Dear Baby Me,

You would really think that with how often you use the self-deprecation trick yourself, you would know it when it was used on you. Although that’s being mean to Zach. He’s a nice guy. And this is cute! Your first phone call from a boy. So exciting.

I want you to know that your mom’s rule is stupid. Your logic is absolutely solid. Your mother is stuck on a really strange a gendered viewpoint. She’s also probably beginning to be pretty panicked about your boy-craziness. That is going to get worse, not better. But actually, in this weirdly brief moment of Zach, for the most part you will be on the same side. Phone calls notwithstanding she will support you most of the time. That will not be normal. And it will be mostly about her and not you. We’ll talk about that later. Right now just enjoy your undoubtedly painful phone conversations.

Love, Me