Title in reference to Mary Oliver’s poem, which I have been thinking about a lot this week.
So first things first — I did not get into grad school. I actually thought this would make my next steps very clear. I would just have to get a job and apply again next year, but it turns out it is not quite that clear. I mean, I will have to do those things but now there are other possibilities for applications and maybe nothing will go quite like I thought. It is very possible that in ten years I will look back and realize that not getting in and having to change and/or uproot my whole life was the best imaginable thing for me, but right now everything is uncertain and confusing and I am so not great with transition.
Do you know what is even worse than transition? Anticipation of transition. Ugh.
The day that I found out I wasn’t accepted, I actually was not really that upset. I think it was a relief to finally just know. And my reaction that day was that I had to talk myself down from buying a sewing machine and a guitar. I did not do either because I did not have money yet. But I will have loans either tomorrow or Friday.
I will not be buying a sewing machine yet. My friend and I are going to be taking a sewing class together for the next three Saturdays and I am figuring that by that point I will have a clearer idea of whether I want to pursue that or whether sewing makes me want to die. But I’d really like to be able to make myself a lot more hair scarves. I only have a couple and they look adorable on me, plus they are easy to make (supposedly). Maybe someday I could advance to more complicated things.
But I am going to buy a guitar. I have always wanted to learn to play guitar. There’s really no reason that I couldn’t, probably. So I am going to try. Maybe this year while I am trying lots of new things I can gain some practical skills. I am excited to try.
Meanwhile this quarter is shaping up to be a whole thing. I have three on campus classes, and a couple of independent studies. Tomorrow I get to go out and gather data. And, because I am trying to figure out my whole life, I also get to meet with so many people.
I am crazy grateful that I have so many people to meet with. I know I am incredibly fortunate to have access to so many resources to discuss my future education and employment with. But also it makes me nervous and I have to work on my informational interviewing skills, which have never been great.
So much happening. Not bad things but a lot of things. Life is a weird and confusing place. And adulting is a strange business.