A Year in Reflection

Standard

Well, I know many people use New Year’s to reflect over their past year but I think I’ll save my New Year’s post for hopes for 2015 and spend a minute this Christmas looking back over 2014 and how I’m feeling about it, what I’ve accomplished and all that fun stuff.

So I feel like the biggest tangible thing I accomplished was graduating from my two year program. I’ve never actually… graduated anything before. Being homeschooled all my life, graduation was never really part of the cards. While there are a few programs who allow for that, my parents never expressed interest in any of them. Technically I could have graduated from Running Start as a youngster but I was in far over my head, with no one really helping me. More importantly, I did not feel like there was any value to graduating. No one had ever really expressed that to me. But this year, at 30 years old, I got to walk down an aisle and wear a ridiculous robe and hat and I looked beautiful and most of the people I love most were there and several people who I do not love most but who seemed relatively happy all the same.

Along the same vein, I moved into a four year program. I moved from the county I’ve lived in since I was 9 years old. It wasn’t like a crazy move (only about 30 minutes away) but it was still, it was definitely a change. I’m in an official university (granted, a super hippie section of one but all the same). I would say that at this point last year I wasn’t even totally certain that I wanted to be a therapist, there were still a lot of options I was turning over. This year I’ve been able to clarify a lot more of the direction I want to go and for the first time in my life I feel confident about getting there. It no longer seems so much like if I am able to accomplish the things I want, but how long it will take. So that’s pretty thrilling. Give it another few years and I should be a practicing therapist of some kind, most likely working towards various certifications. I can’t wait.

In personal relationships! This was the first entire year that I was out of contact with my parents, although it’s been closer to two since I really started breaking things off. But this year I have seen them twice at formal functions; a funeral and my graduation. I had an earnest conversation with my father at the first, which I do not feel that he exactly understood but that I ultimately felt was very constructive. It was good to feel that I had said what I wanted to say, whether he understood them or not. At this point in my life, my parents are peripheral figures who seem further and further away. I guess I feel like this year I grieved the loss of a lot of things, or maybe just the loss of a lot of possibilities I had always thought were there. I don’t think it’s a process that’s ever completely over but I know that it’s much calmer now. My life is so much better without them in it and I have pretty much accepted that this is almost certainly a permanent thing, probably for the sake of everyone.

David and the Superhero are still kind-of the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I have to say, looking at how I feel about the relationship now, I couldn’t imagine being happier. I lived with them over the summer, which was scary and I was extremely worried it wouldn’t go well. But instead it went fine and for the first time in my life I had space that was completely safe and an idea of what I wanted home to look like. It’s taken a lot of confused poking around in this situation, trying to figure out what it is and how I feel about it because there’s just no map. I don’t even have something to call them, really. But I’m incredibly happy and safe and secure and there is space to look around. Sometimes I am brought up short wondering if this can be my life, if this strange, amorphous thing we’re doing is actually happening, because it just doesn’t seem possible to me and because it’s hard to pinpoint or quantify. But none of that makes it less real and it is better than anything I could have mapped out.

I think (I hope) I have become a little calmer over the last year, a little better at communication, a bit better at transition. While I am still not exactly an expert in these things, I am working on it. Just knowing that transition causes me to freak out a bit has helped me a lot. I think that I’ve really been able to start accepting things about myself and be more open and communicative when I’m upset instead of just shutting down. I’m proud of that; it’s taken a lot of work.

Sadly, in 2014 I broke my streak on 750 words. If I had not missed that single day, I would be a space bird by now. But alas. I did not achieve that goal this year. Still, that said, I only missed one single day of writing this year. Every other day I wrote 750 words or more per day. With a couple of exceptions where maybe I pasted in blog entries because of other things happening. But that was extremely rare and, after all, they were still words that I wrote. So I think that’s fairly special and I feel good about it.

Let’s not forget that this is the 147th post on this blog. While they haven’t all been written this year, I would say that well over 100 of them have been. That is not too shabby. This is definitely the longest running blog I’ve ever done, as well as the most fun I’ve ever had with a blog. I feel like I’ve learned a lot about blogging this year and am excited to learn more.

So far I am at 264 movies for the year. While I am a little disappointed by my numbers (and am not quite sure I can watch 35 movies in the next 6 days to push me to 300…) it is still a pretty significant number by most people’s standards and I will grudgingly try to accept that.

As part of my new moving adventure, I have been learning to cook with a crockpot. I am not exactly an amazing chef or anything but I have tried like 5 new recipes in the past 3 months, which is quite a lot for me. After all my talk about figuring out cooking someday, I feel that perhaps a crockpot is my answer. So you know. Baby steps.

For the first time in my life, I bought a new car. I still don’t know if it was an amazing decision or not. I’ll be taking her in next month to have her looked over and make sure it’s all in good working order. But so far she’s been running great. This is one of those things that I have always had my father take care of in the past. I’ve had a decent amount of car trouble this year actually and I have managed to work it out, often with help from amazing and kind people. It is good to feel like I can handle things when I need to.

I have gone on five or six dates since moving and starting school, with different people. I’ve learned different things from all my experiences and I think it has all been valuable. I’ve learned that I am capable of saying no at this point in my life and that with the limited time I have available to me I am very particular about who I choose to spend it with. Someone just being nice isn’t enough, if the click isn’t there, it isn’t there. I have learned that I am very at ease with dating in general and usually have a good time with people, regardless of whether I’ll see them again. I’ve also learned this must make me a good first date, as I’ve had several awkward experiences that involve the other person being much more excited about me than I am about them. I’ve learned I’m not very good at coping with that kind of awkward, I usually just kind-of drop out. There are a number of other things but those are a few I’ve been thinking about a lot.

 

There are a lot of amazing people in my life, some of them I haven’t gotten to see or talk to as often as I’d like in these last few months in particular. I regret that I didn’t do better at keeping in touch sometimes but I am still so grateful to have the people I love in my life, whether they’re the next town over or across the country. I don’t know what I’d do without them.

Honestly there’s a lot I did this year. I think I could probably go on but I won’t. What it really comes down to is that this was a great year. Being 30 has been awesome (and I imagine it will be for the last few months of it). I am super excited about 2015.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s