Dear Baby Me: March 15 & April 13, 1996

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Dear Journal,
I’m here! I’m at Tall Timbers ranch. It’s 5:13 and I’m sitting on Kims bunk. Oops! Gotta go!
Love Meg

Dear Journal,
So much has happened in the past month. I can’t believe since I went to snow retreat only a month has passed. It seems so much longer! I’d better tell everything that happened in order – since I left off. The snow retreat was great! So much happened in one weekend it would take pages to describe. So I’m not going to try. I’ve got to talk about whats been happening. It all started the time when Shawn asked to play ball with the boys. I talk to him a lot and the next day when I saw him rigging something up on his basketball hoop I went over to see what he was doing. Somehow that turned into an hour and a half conversation! Gotta go!
Bye!
Love Meg

 

Dear Baby Me,

Well. That is the last we ever hear of the snow retreat. I think you had fun? I seem to recall you getting into a snow war with some much older guys and putting snow down their shirt…. if I recall correctly you made a lot of fun of one of them for making such a fuss and when they said you wouldn’t do so well if they did it to you, you dared them and they stuck snow down your back and made sure it stuck in your bra and you stood there gritting your teeth and breathing calmly till it melted and then felt very triumphant. That said, why the hell were high school (or very possibly college) boys putting snow into a 12 year old’s bra on a church retreat? *shakes head* Whatever. You had fun.

It is unfortunate that you don’t get around to describing what happened with Shawn, because it’s not unimportant. You’re upset here and there’s a pretty good reason for it. As I recall you went over and talked to him for like an hour and a half and you had a really good time, in plain sight in his driveway, and when you came home your mother started lecturing you on “throwing yourself” at boys and how it was completely inappropriate for you to go over there and flirt with him in front of the whole neighborhood like that and you wouldn’t be allowed to do it ever again. It was humiliating and confusing and one of the first of many strange and not fully explained instances of your mother attempting to take charge in a strange way of your interactions with boys (never with much success). It made you feel bad without really understanding why. But honestly, if I could tell you something here it is that you didn’t do anything wrong. There are a lot of weird things about the ways you interact with people at this point, you have a lot of manipulative tendencies and things to work through and it’ll take a long time. But walking over to say hello to a boy you think is cute and talking to him for an hour in his driveway? Is not really a big deal and I’m sorry that mom made you feel confused and bad about it.

Love, Me

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