Gratitude and Stalking

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So I sort-of stalked my parents last night. This is a slight exaggeration. What actually happened was that yesterday I went to my friend’s house for Thanksgiving and I ate unbelievably delicious food (because she’s an amazing cook) and I spent the day being pretty okay that I was sans family and then, on the way home, there was my parent’s street and instead of driving straight home as I obviously should have, I turned off. Nothing happened. I drove past their house, I turned around, I went home. Then I called David and he very kindly informed me that he didn’t think I was crazy. Which was very comforting and either a true thing or the sort of thing you say to placate a crazy person. I guess I’ll trust it was the former.

I haven’t really made my way yet in this blog to why I walked away from my folks. I’m sure that’ll come in time. For now I’ll just stick with that it was necessary for my health. But there was that moment last night, as I was driving by, turning around, when I thought to myself “I could just park. I could just park and walk up to the door and maybe they would be happy to see me.” Because some part of my brain wants to imagine that my parents are people they are not, wants to believe that losing their only daughter might have been enough that they would be willing to change, to listen. I want to believe I’m not expendable from my family. I didn’t walk away as a move, I want to make that clear. I didn’t do it in the hopes that it would make them change or that they’d come running after me. I walked because I had no choice and I did not want them to follow. But you know, at the end of it all holidays are a bitch and no matter how difficult your family might be they are still your family. I don’t regret the decision I made and yet there I was, on a dark street skulking past the house I moved into at 9 years old like I was casing it. Grief is a funny thing.

And yet. I spent all day with friends. I woke up yesterday morning so excited to send off text messages to a few people letting them know I was thankful for them. I came home from my unexpected side trip last night almost in tears and called David and he spent about 20 minutes telling me that I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t melodramatic. This just sucks and it was going to. Then a giant spider tried to murder him so he had to flee for his life. Sometimes life happens. The point is that I have so many people I love. I never knew it was possible to have so many people that I loved or who loved me. I never expected that. I will be 30 in 3 months and I’ve never been happier. There is grief, it’s part of the process. But it turns out I’m not alone in it. So this Thanksgiving weekend, I am in fact incredibly thankful. Thankful that although I may have walked out on most of my own family, I have more support than I have ever had in my life. Thankful that I have people I love and who love me back. Thankful that I have people I feel safe with, thankful I get to be part of so many people’s lives. I really do have an amazing life and I’m so grateful for it.

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