Well, here we have a new record. This is a third draft of this entry. Which I think is indicative of just how little I wanted to write it. But hey, technically it’s already Sunday and I’m just not asleep yet (although I should be) so I’m still counting it as last week and saying my streak of two entries per week is still intact. Also, the fact that I really don’t want to write this may well mean I should. So I’m going to not get super intellectual about this, as much as I know how, and I’m just going to say it. It might possibly be messy, I don’t know. Here goes.
I am in a 42 hour core training for work with domestic violence/sexual assault victims over the next 3 weeks. I am terrified. I am not terrified for maybe reasons you might guess? I suppose I don’t know what you might guess. I do pretty well with role-playing, I feel like I have a decent number of skills for working with clients and I actually suspect I’ll be okay with that. I am terrified because on the very first night she talked about what a stressful training this is and the importance of self-care to prevent burn-out, both in training and in the actual work. She talked about how if you were feeling triggered or upset, you were always welcome to step out of the room for a minute, or pull one of the staff members aside after. She encouraged us to talk to our other classmates about our feelings on things.
I am terrible at all of these things.
I mean, honestly. I don’t leave rooms even if I’m uncomfortable because I feel like it makes me weak. I don’t tell anyone that I’m freaking out, particularly not practical strangers. There are about 5 people or so who get told that. Frankly, most people I tell I’m upset don’t necessarily believe me because I don’t externalize. Probably that wouldn’t be true in this kind of group but I just can’t help but assume. And let’s face it, I am terrible at self-care. Today I ate breakfast on the way up to class and didn’t eat again until the two hot dogs I ate just now. Yes, I know. That was one of the things I was supposed to do per previous entry. Sigh. I have not done well with the food thing.
But it’s more than just not feeding myself. I also avoid looking for emotional support until I am literally falling into so many pieces that I don’t feel like I have any other choice. I often don’t sleep enough (doing a little better about that this quarter), I still really haven’t mastered processing my own emotions (and by “not mastered” I mean I often just ignore them or call them stupid and hope they go away). Look, the truth is that this is all I want to do with my life and honestly, looking at all this, I am really worried that what if I can’t do it not because I lack the skills but because I don’t take enough care of myself to do it well?
I’m also worried about being crazy over the next few weeks while I’m figuring this stuff out and the people I love having to deal with me like that. I was informed tonight that the rather significant number of people who care about me actually have agency and get to make that decision and I should probably just deal with that. That’s incredibly hard and uncomfortable. I guess that’s what love feels like but I’ll be honest, it’s not my favorite part of it in many ways.
So there we have it. It’s a mess of an entry but to be honest? It’s a messy kind of time.