Failing/Not Failing


So since February of 2012, I have been writing on this website, and it is the best thing ever. I mean, seriously. The best thing ever. I have been journaling with various degrees of success since I was 11 years old and my mother told me that keeping a journal was a required part of my school (but that she would not read it). This was, admittedly, without a doubt the best thing my mother ever did for me in the name of school. That is also a super low bar but still. I have my journals from back in that time and they’re super boring and hard to read and I couldn’t spell or punctuate and honestly, what does an 11 year old have to write about anyway? Spoiler: Nothing. I then went through a lot of time in my teenage years where I decided the copious amount of poetry I was writing was just as good as a journal, somehow. Because clearly in a few years I would know what I was writing about. Yeah. That worked out well. One of my major regrets is how little I really know about what was going on during that time period because I just didn’t take the time to write it down.

Part of why I journaled irregularly is because I have bad wrists and I hated how slow it was but I was very attached to the “romance” of paper journals and such. I gave that up about 7 years ago and moved to typing. That did help my consistency but it still wasn’t happening as often as I’d like and I missed a lot of what happened. Then one day I discovered this site and it was awesome. You get little badges for completing things. It only takes like 15 or 20 minutes for me to type 750 words or so (I often do more) and it’s enough to keep up on what’s happening. Considering how much has changed in the last year and a half, that’s a good thing and I’ve been super consistent with it.

This morning I woke up at 6am and suddenly had the crushing realization that I forgot to write my words yesterday. I was on a streak of 436 days and now I am back to 1. Or will be anyway, once I write today. I honestly was so broken up about it. If I had gotten to 500 days, I would have been a Space Bird! And being back to 1 day seems so demoralizing after being on such a high number. I couldn’t go back to sleep, I just laid there and almost cried and thought about how incredibly stupid I was and how could I have forgotten after that many days?

Well, let’s see. How could I have forgotten? I mean, I started school again this week. This is always completely exhausting for me and I was so tired yesterday that I just passed out for an hour. Then I woke up, read the chapter for today’s class and spent the rest of my evening watching one of the best bad movies I have ever seen with my best friend (well “with” is relative. We have weekly Skype dates where we watch streaming things together). Everyone should immediately go find Meant to Be on Netflix and just watch it and love and hate your life. Anyway. And I was exhausted. Passed out at midnight. That was that.

Here’s the alternative perspective, I guess. I started on this website in February of 2012. Since then, I have written on 579 days and I have written a total of 616,359 words. That is a shit ton of writing. I have kept extremely close track of some of the most intense and monumental changes in my life. I’ve developed one of the most important habits that I have and I have kept it up more consistently than I would ever have thought possible. The reason this blog can even exist is absolutely because of that website. I’m a better writer than I was a year and a half ago (although I still have a long way to go). So fine. I feel like I failed everything but, objectively, that’s probably not so much the case.


3 thoughts on “Failing/Not Failing

  1. Dude, you’ve been so good with your journaling so even though it sucks you didn’t get the next level still give yourself credit.

  2. Thanks you guys. ❤ I am trying not to be too discouraged. I know it is not as big of a deal as it seems in my head. One day is not so much the end of the world. And hey, by the time I am a Space Bird, my life will be very different. 😛

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